Means To End It...

I must die… I should've died years ago. I don’t know why I didn’t do it earlier. Its neither due to lost love, nor that I've no means to live. Its just that I don’t want to live. Why should I survive today? So that I could have a happy tomorrow. What if I don’t need a tomorrow? I've had enough tomorrows already. 

But how should I die?

I would like my death to be remarkable. To be remembered. I could use an anesthetic drip and slip peacefully to death. But that wouldn’t be remarkable.
I could have an adrenaline drip, adrenaline causing my vessels to burst, spraying the walls with my blood.. That would be remarkable, and it would be remembered, but I wouldn’t want those contemptible police officials in khakhees to puke on my body, Would I..?
Being a doctor, if I hang myself to death by a stethoscope, it would be pretty graphic. But then, no steth is long enough to tie two knots.

Everyone will die, one day or another. Why everyone rather tomorrow than today escapes my reason. The way I see it, death is a gift. Some get it early, others late. Some lucky ones are bold enough to buy one for themselves, others just need to be helped.

And what do I do? I deny my patients of that privilege of theirs. They had come so close. If it wasn’t for me standing in their way.. Just the thought of it makes me throw up with guilt.
I wake up at night having nightmares of me having an eternal life, unable to die. May be it is what they call 'karma'. I can’t remember the last time I slept. Living with insomnia is the worst thing that could happen to anyone. Lying on your bed, wide awake while the whole world sleeps, trying to figure out what keeps u from sleeping.

I’ve never before wanted to sleep as I do now. I need to sleep. I need to get over my guilt complex. I need to stop acting doctorish. I must combat my guilt before it kills me..!

Kill..! Why haven’t I thought of it before..! The answer was staring right at my face, and I just didn’t seem to notice. I must've been blind not to have seen it.

Kill..That’s too harsh a way of saying it.  Makes me even look like a murderer. It is about delivering the much needed salvation to those thriving for it, and may be even to the ones too shy to ask for it. Saving them from the trouble of having tomorrows they don’t really need. Why die tomorrow, if u can do it today?
Doctors are the selected ones, the blessed few, for they are His proofreaders. Editing and correcting the slightest of errors, filling the blanks, completing what God himself missed out. Now, with the vanity that blocked my vision fading, I see our true purpose, the reason for our existence. We are the long hands of God. The ones who can grant death at wish, with a scalpel's swish.!
I see myself standing at an altar, clad in a doctor's white coat, hands clenching the blood dripping scalpels. In my front is a man in a wedding suit, his throat cut open, a smile of gratitude on his face. His bride by his side, happy as she ever could be. And I say  "By the power vested in me by Lord Almighty, I hereby declare you dead and liberated. The bride may kiss the corpse." Now, that would be some scene.!

So clear, so graphic, is the visual, that I even hear the warm blood gushing out of his carotids, that strange intoxicating smell filling my nostrils. I feel that strong rush of adrenaline through my vessels and the chills that it sends up my spine. I hear a voice whispering "Do u wanna play?"
And yes..! I do..! I really, really do...!

I had been living on the edge of sanity for so long. Watching that tempting dark abyss below, wanting to take a leap. This little spell of insomnia might just have done the trick. Severing any safety ropes attached, being pushed over the ledge, falling free. Turning insane is breaking free.., moral codes, and behavioral frameworks no longer valid. Life can’t get any better...!
I realize the mere thought of it gives me a kick that a thousand joints smoked together wouldn’t do, but that doesn’t matter. Neither does what awaits in line for me. The worst that could happen is getting hanged for this. And what a remarkable end that would be. One that would be remembered for ages to come. Nothing could possibly feel better than knowing the worst that could happen, would please you the most..!
But then whom shall I help? Clearly, targeting every 6 billion of them isn’t an option. Neither is rolling a dice nor tossing a coin, for my job aint the same as that of a black jack dealer. I must prioritize.
Shall I help the poor first, who have a hard time living..? But then, society is by far doing a good job even without me. More over who am I to discriminate the poor from the rich. There is a Government for doing that, and no offence, they are bloody good at it..!
Then, shall I help the sick first, the terminally ill ones? But why, when they will make it anyway, with or without me.

I’m grossly confused..!
Killing is making a choice, between one life and another. When I choose one, another is being denied his genuine right to die. But it is indeed true that not everyone has that right. There are one too many awful lot, who are very justly doomed to live, just like that. 

But how would I know who is who.? What if I choose wrong, killing the ones who doesn’t deserve it.?
Or still worse, turning a blind eye towards those who really does? There won’t be any greater regret.

Thinking of it, an incredible irony it does make.
If I don’t do it, I end up feeling guilty. And if I do, I end up regretting it.!

And its not like one feeling is better than the other, is it?
Then why should I be doing it?
Would they've done the same to me if they had the power I have now?
Why sympathize for a world so selfish that one won’t even help his brother die.

This world is filled with politicians, child rapists, and prostitutes. Filth, who are shameless enough to beg for mercy, when they show none themselves. And when they come running to me, I’m gonna look straight in their eyes and whisper, "No..!"
I must die. I Should've died years ago. I don’t know why I didn’t do it earlier. It’s not because I’m unable to do anything for the needy. It’s just that the needy aint worthy of it. I'm left with nothing better to do.
But then, how shall I die…?!!

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